I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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