I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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