ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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