my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Randomize
