I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
