After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
