when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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