I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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