It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Randomize
