Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
