He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
