i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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