I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
