The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
