a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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