This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Shitshow foam night was such a success
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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