do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
