is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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