Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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