I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
