i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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