good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Enjoy the penises
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
