i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
