just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
