Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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