I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
