I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I intend to get homeless drunk
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize