I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
