and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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