Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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