He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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