This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
