so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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