He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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