Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
