'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
