alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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