shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
