i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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