my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize