Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
