we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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