I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
