why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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