I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
