Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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