During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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