i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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