I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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