I wish I only lived at night.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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