eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize