I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
