Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
This is the high leading the old right now
he's gonorrhea incarnate
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
