i may or may not be watching the land before time
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
