So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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