my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
